Funny Stuff

Here's a a "scientific" piece I wrote about a certain marine mammal. Please do not use this page as a way to learn more about physics or any science thing.
Uses and Perspectives of the Orcinus Orca
This is not meant to offend any species. If you feel offended, please step into the cannon on point 1.1
  1. Considering that they are roughly cylindrical, we can:
    1. Launch them out of a cannon. We can easily find the escape velocity (integrate gravity) and find out expansions of gunpowder. Now, using standard elliptical trajectories, we can aim this cannon such this projectile intercepts with the ISS. Real good prank potential here. 
    2. Calculate their capacitance WRT ground. If we know this, we can connect them to a crap ton of copper wire and make the first marine mammal tesla coil! Again, we're really missing out here! Even if that doesn't work, we still have a good physics problem!
    3. Create a solid-state resistor. Forget the wound crap you find in all the plebian circuit boards. If you're looking for true quality, you need an orca in your circuit. Each one is different, so it's like a game to see if you stuff will fry or not. Extra fun!
    4. Create an anti-theft device. Thanks to a property called "magnetostriction", stores can catch them pesky thieves. Being of such high mass and made up of a somewhat magnetically responsive material (water), we might be able to induce magnetostriction on orcas. If this is the case, it would be a trivial task to attach them to all high-valued goods. This will definitely be cheaper than using strips of metal, trust me. 
  2. Let's create a theorem, which will be very important coming up: orca = cow. We'll do a proof via contradiction. ​Assume orca != cow. But the cow is fat. So is an orca. Fat = fat. Thus, orca = cow. QED. 
  3. Using the proof from point 3: we can reasonably assume that orca = sphere. This stems from the classic theorem that cow = sphere, which has been proven many times so I will not do it here. Thus, by the commutative principle, orca = sphere. QED
  4. I have absolutely no idea why I just proved this above case.
  5. But orcas aren't cylinders. Gee, you sure are correct! They are actually more like "t" shapes. So, we can apply the intermediate axis theorem on them! EIGENVECTOR TIME
  6. You know what? If we spin them, we can see a great demonstration of gyroscopic precession. 
  7. Inductor motor. While they might not be as efficient as the standard squirrel cage model, I think there's some great potential for them to be used as inductor motor cores.
  8. A bad washing machine. Last time I checked, they didn't have hot/cold water taps. So, please don't use them to clean clothes. 

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